Fine. I don't know you at all. I never did. Funny part is, I'm happy with that.
Have a great life. I'm out of it.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
A Response to the Proud Asshole.
I figure I'm on a fucking roll tonight so I'll continue and respond to you.
So you've known for fucking years that I have been hiding alot of who I really am from the world. I'm too damn much of a fucking people pleaser. We always thought that you knew me best. And yes, you did up until recently. It wasn't until all this shit hit that I realized I hid shit from you too. When I am going to hang with you, I do dress a certain way. With you, we listen to music you like. Not that I don't like it, but it's not what I would necessarily choose. It wasn't always like this, but you've changed over the years, and I've let my persona change with you. So here goes for some of the shit you laid on me up here, and over the phone, and on instant messenger.
If you haven't noticed, yes, I have been changing myself. But this is nothing new. I started changing myself back before I quit teaching. The whole weight loss thing was the first step. I was starting to change my outward appearance while I worked on my inward shit. It hurt like hell that YOU were the one person in my life who was not supportive of my weight loss. That STILL doesn't fucking make sense to me. I look back at pics of what I used to look like, versus how I look now, and I think "what the hell?" Yes, in one picture of me and the ex, I'm wearing a "punk" shirt. You said that that wasn't me....here's a fucking clue. YES IT IS. My poppa....the man who fucking raised me, took one look at that shirt, heard that you thought it wasn't me and said you were wrong and yes it was. He remembers the me from before the teacher. The me that got squashed even more than it already was. My friend who used to teach with me also agreed, yes it is (and by the way, as to your crack that the ex is not the kinda guy I ever showed interest in, she disagreed with you....hell, so did my mother for that matter!). You may not like my ex, but HE remembers who I was back when I was younger too. And as much as it may bother you, he knows me now. Better than you do. Cause like you, he can read me, too well. And I've told him things and showed him sides of me that no one's ever seen. I love him. And I've realized that there are people out there who will accept me and love me for who the fuck I am. And yeah, I know mr. right will love me for who I am on the inside. And believe it or not, the ex did love me for who I am on the inside. Things didn't work out between us and that's more fucking complicated than you know. But in the short time we were together, I learned some things I needed to know. I'm starting to let the real me out. Most of it is getting tested on my mother. I'm thoroughly enjoying fucking with her perception of me every damn week. And no, I'm not dying my hair fucking pink and purple. But I did get fucking highlights put in and get it cut rather drastically for me. It's my damn realization that I don't have to be so damn plain....and that's how I've felt. Plain, and unwanted. Lacking the courage to be the woman I am. So now I'm dragging her ass out of hiding, kicking and screaming. And yes, I AM getting a fucking tattoo. No, it has nothing to do with the ex. It has to do with me. Yes, my mother knows. It's my fucking birthday present for myself. After describing it to her and what it meant to me, she told me that it fit me. I also got a second piercing in my damn ears which I've been wanting for YEARS. Will I get more piercings? Probably. Eventually.
As for you being an asshole, you were an asshole. This has nothing to do with friends not making me take responsibity for my actions. It has to do with not kicking your fucking friends when they're down. I was fucking hurting. I spent a fucking week not being able to sleep more than 4 hours a night. I just fucking cried. The first 2 days I didn't eat a whole damn lot. I needed people to love me and be there for me cause I fucking hurt. And when I called you, I just couldn't deal with myself anymore. I needed someone to distract me from my own fucking misery. All I wanted was for you to tell me how your world was going and what ya'll were doing. And all you had to say to me was "I told you so." and start in on your lecture on how you are right and I was stupid. I didn't need that. I couldn't handle it. I needed you to be there for me and you weren't. You were an asshole.
And don't ever tell me you haven't changed. You called yourself a prick not too long ago. You weren't always a prick. You used to be my best friend. The friend I could call in the middle of the night and I knew he'd be there for me. 95% of the time now, you're never there for me. Yeah, you're fucking busy. You have jobs and wife and church and all your shit going on. But that doesn't change the fact that I can't rely on you. I know that. I've accepted that.
Be pissed with me. Right now, I don't really give a damn. I'm still trying to sort out my own shit and heal myself. You don't want to be there for me. Fine. Nothing new there.
So you've known for fucking years that I have been hiding alot of who I really am from the world. I'm too damn much of a fucking people pleaser. We always thought that you knew me best. And yes, you did up until recently. It wasn't until all this shit hit that I realized I hid shit from you too. When I am going to hang with you, I do dress a certain way. With you, we listen to music you like. Not that I don't like it, but it's not what I would necessarily choose. It wasn't always like this, but you've changed over the years, and I've let my persona change with you. So here goes for some of the shit you laid on me up here, and over the phone, and on instant messenger.
If you haven't noticed, yes, I have been changing myself. But this is nothing new. I started changing myself back before I quit teaching. The whole weight loss thing was the first step. I was starting to change my outward appearance while I worked on my inward shit. It hurt like hell that YOU were the one person in my life who was not supportive of my weight loss. That STILL doesn't fucking make sense to me. I look back at pics of what I used to look like, versus how I look now, and I think "what the hell?" Yes, in one picture of me and the ex, I'm wearing a "punk" shirt. You said that that wasn't me....here's a fucking clue. YES IT IS. My poppa....the man who fucking raised me, took one look at that shirt, heard that you thought it wasn't me and said you were wrong and yes it was. He remembers the me from before the teacher. The me that got squashed even more than it already was. My friend who used to teach with me also agreed, yes it is (and by the way, as to your crack that the ex is not the kinda guy I ever showed interest in, she disagreed with you....hell, so did my mother for that matter!). You may not like my ex, but HE remembers who I was back when I was younger too. And as much as it may bother you, he knows me now. Better than you do. Cause like you, he can read me, too well. And I've told him things and showed him sides of me that no one's ever seen. I love him. And I've realized that there are people out there who will accept me and love me for who the fuck I am. And yeah, I know mr. right will love me for who I am on the inside. And believe it or not, the ex did love me for who I am on the inside. Things didn't work out between us and that's more fucking complicated than you know. But in the short time we were together, I learned some things I needed to know. I'm starting to let the real me out. Most of it is getting tested on my mother. I'm thoroughly enjoying fucking with her perception of me every damn week. And no, I'm not dying my hair fucking pink and purple. But I did get fucking highlights put in and get it cut rather drastically for me. It's my damn realization that I don't have to be so damn plain....and that's how I've felt. Plain, and unwanted. Lacking the courage to be the woman I am. So now I'm dragging her ass out of hiding, kicking and screaming. And yes, I AM getting a fucking tattoo. No, it has nothing to do with the ex. It has to do with me. Yes, my mother knows. It's my fucking birthday present for myself. After describing it to her and what it meant to me, she told me that it fit me. I also got a second piercing in my damn ears which I've been wanting for YEARS. Will I get more piercings? Probably. Eventually.
As for you being an asshole, you were an asshole. This has nothing to do with friends not making me take responsibity for my actions. It has to do with not kicking your fucking friends when they're down. I was fucking hurting. I spent a fucking week not being able to sleep more than 4 hours a night. I just fucking cried. The first 2 days I didn't eat a whole damn lot. I needed people to love me and be there for me cause I fucking hurt. And when I called you, I just couldn't deal with myself anymore. I needed someone to distract me from my own fucking misery. All I wanted was for you to tell me how your world was going and what ya'll were doing. And all you had to say to me was "I told you so." and start in on your lecture on how you are right and I was stupid. I didn't need that. I couldn't handle it. I needed you to be there for me and you weren't. You were an asshole.
And don't ever tell me you haven't changed. You called yourself a prick not too long ago. You weren't always a prick. You used to be my best friend. The friend I could call in the middle of the night and I knew he'd be there for me. 95% of the time now, you're never there for me. Yeah, you're fucking busy. You have jobs and wife and church and all your shit going on. But that doesn't change the fact that I can't rely on you. I know that. I've accepted that.
Be pissed with me. Right now, I don't really give a damn. I'm still trying to sort out my own shit and heal myself. You don't want to be there for me. Fine. Nothing new there.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Disapointment
There's nothing so disapointing as hearing that tone signaling you have a text and for some strange reason you think it may be one person and your heart leaps....only to see that no. It's not. And you fall again.
I miss my friend.
I miss my friend.
The Dreamer's Awake
Ya know....I'm so glad to be able to sleep again. There was a 4 night stretch this week where I got about 17 hours of sleep total. One of those nights was 3 hours. It was sucking big time and killing me. So yeah, so glad to be able to sleep. Now, anybody out there know how to turn off dreams? Cause that's the new problem. I sleep, but I dream and I wish I wouldn't....can't even remember them really....but I keep waking up with a deep sense of loss.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Life moves on...
After 2 weeks of crying at least once everyday.....I've now gone the past 2 days without crying. Things still suck. But it feels better. In other news, I got my hair highlighted and cut yesterday....something a bit drastic for me. But I love it. Life moves on.... :)
Friday, November 28, 2008
I hate you.
I'm so angry right now I could fucking blow up. I....there aren't words for it. I hate you. and I hate him. and I hate her. And you can all die.
And the funny thing is, even if you read this, you'll misunderstand. You'll think the him and her are the people you have in mind. And you'll be wrong.
Right now, I want to say that you'll be wrong cause you think you understand me but you don't....but I'd be lying. You know me better than ANYONE. But you don't know what's been going through my head for the past 2 weeks. Cause I can't tell you. And I hate you for that too.
Congrats. For today at least, you've accomplished your goal. So fuck you.
And the funny thing is, even if you read this, you'll misunderstand. You'll think the him and her are the people you have in mind. And you'll be wrong.
Right now, I want to say that you'll be wrong cause you think you understand me but you don't....but I'd be lying. You know me better than ANYONE. But you don't know what's been going through my head for the past 2 weeks. Cause I can't tell you. And I hate you for that too.
Congrats. For today at least, you've accomplished your goal. So fuck you.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A Proud Asshole
I'm going to get this off my chest.
...
I was ecstatic to hear about your first date. With a new guy? Did I know him? Was it a juicy date?
...
Well, why don't you want to tell me about him? YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT?! Well, then, he must be a real Nobel Laureate. Either that, or "I don't/won't understand".
...
Wow, saw the guy on Myspace. No, I can't watch you happily circle the bowl.
...
Flushed! What am I supposed to say? And kicked you while you were down? You expected what? HE WAS MARRIED. I am so angry you'd try to lay your shit on me. From your OWN POST:
...
You call me an asshole? Please. Who started keeping things from whom? It's like your mentality has gone to, "Well if I can't find Mr. Perfect, I'll settle for his yard boy."
...
You can "change" all you want. Dye your hair pink and purple, get a tattoo, buy a convertible, and become a bartender. Mr Right has to love you for what's on the INSIDE!! The changes you're making are gonna scare that guy off!
...
It's great that you have friends that don't make you assume any responsibility for what has happened. I've always been more honest with you than that. So get mad, have another cry, and call me an asshole. In the end, when all the smoke clears, who ALWAYS stands out as the one who was most honest with you? Maybe that does make me an asshole. At least you know I won't "change".
...
I was ecstatic to hear about your first date. With a new guy? Did I know him? Was it a juicy date?
...
Well, why don't you want to tell me about him? YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT?! Well, then, he must be a real Nobel Laureate. Either that, or "I don't/won't understand".
...
Wow, saw the guy on Myspace. No, I can't watch you happily circle the bowl.
...
Flushed! What am I supposed to say? And kicked you while you were down? You expected what? HE WAS MARRIED. I am so angry you'd try to lay your shit on me. From your OWN POST:
I get the guy with a friggin' WIFE at home. Assholes! Let me make something PERFECTLY clear. If you are one of them, I'M NOT INTERESTED. LEAVE ME ALONE. Go home to your wife where you fuckin' belong! Maybe YOU don't want to honor your vows, but I REFUSE to be the "other" woman.
...
You call me an asshole? Please. Who started keeping things from whom? It's like your mentality has gone to, "Well if I can't find Mr. Perfect, I'll settle for his yard boy."
...
You can "change" all you want. Dye your hair pink and purple, get a tattoo, buy a convertible, and become a bartender. Mr Right has to love you for what's on the INSIDE!! The changes you're making are gonna scare that guy off!
...
It's great that you have friends that don't make you assume any responsibility for what has happened. I've always been more honest with you than that. So get mad, have another cry, and call me an asshole. In the end, when all the smoke clears, who ALWAYS stands out as the one who was most honest with you? Maybe that does make me an asshole. At least you know I won't "change".
Friday, October 24, 2008
Story of my life.
Ever think you know someone, and suddenly... out of nowhere... it's like seeing the Church Lady at a Klan rally. WTF?!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Well hell, you mean it's getting better?
Well it's amazing how much shit can change in a short amount of time. Since my last post a couple months ago, I've left a town I really liked living in.....moved in with some very nice old people who listen to southern gospel music REALLY LOUDLY....obtained a full-time job again that I kinda like....managed to obtain a boyfriend (and HE'S a whole post of his own...hmmm.....guess that means I need to think of a name for him up here, huh?)....and as of today, will be reinstating my happy ass back into my own apartment (granted, it's just my happy ass moving in today....not my furniture). It's like a damn rollercoaster. Story of my life, huh? Now if I could just get my cats back, I'd be great!
On a mental note....the whole "who the hell am I" personal exploration continues. I've plenty to say on that....but no time right now! Conference call for work! (YES at 7 fucking AM. Thanks boss. Thanks alot. Ya know, some of us are NOT frickin' morning people like you and the boyfriend. Damn.) And after that I have to quickly hit up the bank for rent money order, and go get my new keys, and then carry my happy ass to work! Woohoo for hump day! Later kids!
On a mental note....the whole "who the hell am I" personal exploration continues. I've plenty to say on that....but no time right now! Conference call for work! (YES at 7 fucking AM. Thanks boss. Thanks alot. Ya know, some of us are NOT frickin' morning people like you and the boyfriend. Damn.) And after that I have to quickly hit up the bank for rent money order, and go get my new keys, and then carry my happy ass to work! Woohoo for hump day! Later kids!
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